Things I learned from Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

There be spoilers ahead.  

1) Vampires have excellent taste in real estate.  

All I can see is a modern tree house and I LOVE IT.

2) Werewolves are hotter than vampires, both literally and figuratively.  This is just my own personal preference here, but I thought the actors playing the vampires were so blandly attractive.  And in some cases not even remotely attractive.  #BadContactsAndWigs.

 

Hey, girl, we heard you like werewolves.

Oh Mike Dexter, what have they done to you?

3) That being said, Vampirism gives you killer eye make-up.

4) Vampires can be pro-life which is weird considering they're ya know, DEAD.

5) Edward is basically Dexter.  In an attempt to be honest with his soon to be bride, Edward tells Bella that at one point he was a very snarly teen aged vampire, and rebelled against his "vegitarian father," Carlyle and FED ON HUMANS!  (LIKE THE AWFUL, HUMAN FEEDING VAMPIRE HE IS.)  But he only fed on men that were going to do bad things to women, so it's cool, but not cool.  This causes Bella to swoon and she crosses her fingers that she will one day be the good vampire that Edward is.  (Barf, Bella.  Could you be any more of a feminist nightmare?  Oh, wait...) 

6) Bella was wearing pajama jeans during above scene.  I swear I saw an elastic waistband on her jeans.  (Note: This was pre-demon baby gestation.  Otherwise I would've bought her some pajama jeans to bring to her baby demon shower, cause she totes needed them.)  She also wore sneakers without socks, so you know her feet were smelly.  She WOULD.

Your jeans may say sassy, but that waistband screams slob.

7) Bella's mom may or may not have been drunk at her wedding.  When Bella's dad notices the Cullen's wall covered in their graduation caps, Bella's mother gets way too excited about the arts and crafts project. "Oh, neat-o!  CRAFTS!  BELLA, WHERE ARE YOUUUUU?!  Oh, right in front of my face!"  That is a verbatim quote.  (No it isn't.  But almost.)

8) When CGI werewolves mind-meld, hilarious beta (teen)wolf angst ensues.  They also fall in love with babies, in a romantic way.  No pedo, Jacob!

Like I said, hilarious.

9) Vampire on human sex is surprisingly boring outside of True Blood, and Edward is more chaste than a nun, despite breaking headboards and shit.  Talk about anti-climactic.  If you think about it, Twilight is pretty soapy, (Jacob is in love with his ex-girlfriend's baby!  Bella is on her deathbed--will Edward save her?  Yes, BY EATING THE BABY OUT OF HER) so you'd think the sex would be just as soapy and over the top.  But nope!  Prude city. 

10) Vampires use yahoo to find out about vampire-human babies.  Can we not even get a BING! search in here?  I think that if you've lived that long, you would know about vampire-human babies, or at least have some old, smelly, microfiche or books or woodcuts about it just lying around in your amazing modern tree house.  Whatevs, not everyone is a book lover like me, but I'm pretty sure Amazon would have some Vampire-Human Demon Spawn for Dummies on Kindle. 

Vampire teeth are extremely sharp, all the better to perform cesareans of DOOM.

11)  Apparently vampires will keep an almost endless supply of human blood on hand, but no other kind of blood.  Isn't that kinda weird for vampires who only drink animal blood and who might find themselves in a situation where they are trapped inside their beautiful house because their "son's" annoying wife is gestating a demon spawn that looks to be the size of an elephant and there are CGI werewolves outside threatening to eat them and they can't go hunt for animal blood?  No?  Okay then.  

12) Vampires are sticklers for spelling and grammar, as evidenced by my favorite scene in the movie that occurred after the main end credits.  I'd really like to know their opinions on the new additions to the OED and how they feel about the constantly changing nature of language.  Wait, that's Part Two, isn't it?  Just a whole movie about grammar and syntax and WORD NERDS?!  It's like college all over again!  Guys, lets make wall art using our mortar boards!

13) I probably should've seen the Muppets instead.

No duh.

You can tell it's a fine quality item because of the iron-ons and puffy paint

Me and my friend, who we will call "Luann," are into this new show on abcfamily called "Pretty Little Liars." We decided to get together the other night to watch it and somehow came up with the idea to make Twilight t-shirts after. (I think we're planning on wearing them to the movie? Maybe? Don't judge us.) They are pretty amazing. And by amazing, I mean dumb and hilarious. Here's mine:

The brown blob is a werewolf and it says (WEREWOLF) under it in puffy paint. The white circle is a vampire and says (VAMPIRE) under it. (Just in case you couldn't tell from the picture.) I thought the clarification via parentheses might be needed despite the fact that my graphic art skills are so (not) amazing. I feel like it added a little something else, you know? And I'm not sure if you can see it, but the fangs are done in glitter puffy paint. I came up with the idea based on Eclipse, cause *SPOILER ALERT* it's basically about a big werewolf/vampire fight. Hence the "vs." But apparently, and I say this based on my extensive reading of the Twilight Saga and the Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood novels, werewolves and vampires don't get along. I mean, I get it. They both can't be top supernatural being. Gotta have some drama. But can we just talk about my werewolf for a minute? I mean, what is that? A beard that has swallowed a cat? One of the little ghosties from Pacman that fell in a vat of mutation juice along with something vaguely resembling a cat? I suppose it's a bit teen wolf, so that's cool.

Here's the front of Luann's:



The front says "Little Brown CO." for the Twilight book publisher. Pretty creative, no? And yes, the spacing and letters are all sorts of crooked, but it's still amazing! Luann had to go out and buy an iron to do this. An iron! And it is not as easy as it looks. Here's the back:

She has little rhinestone ballet slippers on the sleeve, since Bella took ballet lessons. And the "S WA N" is for Bella's last name, duh. She was going for a jersey look, and I think we can all agree that, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. By the way, that decal is a peace sign in the shape of a heart. And it took her like 20 years to iron that crap on there. Luann was gonna do a number instead, but the heart is waaay better. Obviously. She also got chocolate on it. We have no idea how. But that's the risk you take when you decide to do an arts and crafts project.

So they're pretty snazzy, right? Totally classy and well-made. I'm sure you'll be seeing these at your local HOTTOPIC in no time. Until then, we're taking orders. Because we're broke and (technically) unemployed and need money as well as something to do. How many can I put you down for?