Book Burning

Memory Lane

People from my high school are already posting stuff about 10 year reunions on facebook.  I'm responding by perfecting my Heather Mooney impersonation. 

Sunday night with The Walking Dead

It's Sunday, so that means its time for The Walking Dead, everyone's favorite show about zombies and the food that walks among them.  I kind of have a love-hate relationship with the show and decided to attempt a live blog, because why not.  It's not like Downton Abbey is on.

This is that live blog. 

• The episode starts with zombies chasing Shane.  Zombie parade!  Shane is the grand marshal.

• The crows eating the teddy bear in the opening credits always make me laugh.  We all suffer during a zombiepocalypse, even the teddy bears and crows who eat them.

• Alright, back to the episode.  The car slows down at a crossroads.  The scene continues: 

RICK:  Hey Shane, let's talk.  At a literal crossroads.  Because we are at a metaphorical crossroads. 

SHANE: Why not?

RICK: Zombie gossip!  Shane, I heard you left a man for dead.  Wanna talk about it?  And by talk about it I mean I'm just going to talk at you.  No more dangerous, okay Shane?  

SHANE: Sure Rick.  But can I still be in love with your wife? 

ANNNND SCENE.  But seriously, Rick says he was all mad when he found out and Shane and Lori, and then Shane starts talking about how it all began.  OOOH, yes!  How did the zombiepocalyspe start?  I always enjoy it when the characters start talking about the start of the zombiepocalypse because it's still kinda a mystery.  Although Shane doesn't say anything we don't already know, and then calls Rick "brother."  Oh brother, this dialogue.  Yeesh.   

• Cut to Lori and Maggie in the kitchen.  More ladies doing ladies work and talking about men.  It's like an episode of Sex and the City.  Zombies in the City, am I right?  (I am so sorry.) 

• Back to Rick and Shane.  Rick says they need to be more careful about using their guns, so they should start using their knives more to save ammo and to keep from drawing attention to themselves.  NO DUUUHHH!  Why haven't you thought of this before?  Knives are a perfectly good zombie killing tool, and only require a sharp blade and working hand. 

• Rick starts babbling about cake.  God Rick, shut up about the cake.  If there's not any cake here in the car I don't want to hear about it.  

• He must've heard me because how he's blathering about snow and how maybe they can get a snowmobiles.  Snowmobiles?  In Georgia?  Sure Rick, whatever you say.  Ugh, start talking about cake again, please.  (I want some cake.) 

• Rick and Shane walk up to a fence and see a lone zombie.  (Ugh, why do I think Shane is so hot?)   Shane pulls out gun and Rick pulls out a knife.   That's not a knife, Shane.  This is a knife!  

• Rick cuts his finger with the knife.  Let's be blood brothers, Shane!  Wait, no, he's just killing zombies.  (You know, I wouldn't mind seeing Shane, Lori, and Rick all raise the kid together.  What is the nuclear family in a world filled with zombies?  Why can't it be the cop and the partner and the woman who loves/hates them?)

• The guys break a lock on the fence and start checking things out.  Shane calls Rick over to look at some dead bodies and says there's no bite marks.  Rick replies that they must've been scratched.  Hmm...no bites, probably scratches...why do I feel like this will be important?  Hmm...

• Back on the Hershel family farm, the secondary plot is revolving around the blonde woman whose name I don't know who had a nervous breakdown last week and is Maggie's sister, I guess.  She's understandably depressed, and Lori tries to give her a pep talk and suggests they go on a walk later.  Well that was nice.  BACK TO THE ZOMBIES!  

• Rick and Shane pull Randall out from the car and Randall begs Rick and Shane not to leave him.  He used to go on the internet and live with his mom, just like you!  And he knows MAGGIE!  Whoa, really?  Small world.  Randall then follows up with the very good point that they saved him, so why would they kill him now?  Rick decides he wants to take the night and mull this over.  Good grief, Rick.  Shane responds by trying to shoot Randall, and then him and Rick start fighting.  

• DAMN, Shane just headbutted Rick!  You can always count on Shane to do some crazy shit.  

• Commercial time!  OMG, MAD MEN!  YESSSSS.  That weekend is going to be amazing, what with The Hunger Games coming out that Friday and Mad Men coming back on Sunday.  BEST WEEKEND EVER.  

• Alright, back to the show.  More bro fighting, more Shane trying to kill everything.  Rick tells Shane he doesn't get to make the decision on whether or not Randall will live.  This isn't a zombiemocracy, Shane, it's a zombtatorship!  By the way guys, Randall is crawling away.  

• Again, Shane with the crazy shit and throwing a wrench at Rick.  The wrench goes through a window.  And here come the zombies!  

• Now Lori and Andrea are having a fight.  The men don't need your help, Andrea!  Get in the kitchen and make a damn sandwich already!  (Apparently feminism died in the zombiepocalypse. Shut up, Lori.)  Andrea does a MAJOR BURN on Lori about how she has a husband, son, fetus, AND a boyfriend, who Andrea banged in the Hyundai last season.  SO THERE, LORI! 

• Back to Rick and the gang.  Rick ends up on the ground and zombies start falling on top of him.  Zombie pile on Rick!  Tickle fight next! 

• Rick waits till he can get a good shot and kill all the zombies at once.  Alright, that was pretty cool.  Nice work, Rick!  

• Back to blonde woman and Maggie.  Apparently blonde woman is married to Jimmy?  Wait, who is Jimmy? 

• Who cares!  Back to Shane, who jumps on a bus and closes the door in the zombie's faces.  He looks down and sees some fingers.  Ew, who left their fingers on the bus?  

• Shane pulls out a knife and cuts his palm.  Dammit Shane, this isn't the time to become blood brothers with the zombies!  Oh, right.  The knife killing.  

• Shane is the chum in a zombie-shark frenzy. 

• Rick decides to leave Shane and take Randall with him until he sees the two dead guys from earlier, who are sans bite marks, but possibly scratched.  Shane watches them run off, and then the Hyundai comes flying up out of nowhere with Rick hanging out the window shooting at Shane's new blood brothers.  BWHAHAHAHAHAHA, Rick to the rescue of course.  Meanwhile, Randall's neck is duct taped to the headrest and he gets off on the adrenaline rush. 

• Back to Maggie, who yells at Andrea, who left the blonde woman alone.  Blonde woman slit her wrists and Andrea says that since it wasn't deep, blonde woman has made her choice to live.  Maggie tells Andrea to GTFO.  

• We wrap up the episode with Rick and Shane putting a bag over Randall's head and shoving him in the back of the car.  COME ON, guys.  Either kill Randall or don't, but enough of this shit.  

•  Sneak preview of next week.  Apparently there's only 3 episodes left.  Huh.  Who knew?  Also, next week looks like it has lots of Daryl. Yay, Daryl!  This episode could've used more Daryl, but I do like how they didn't try to cram every character in the episode like they usually do, so that's good.  Not too shabby, Walking Dead.  

Like, gag me with a spoon!

Nic Cage plays Randy, a Hollywood punk Romeo who falls in love with Julie, a valley girl Juliet. Julie's dad is an old hippie who runs a health food store (or restaurant?) and the woman who was the voice of Tommy Pickles on Rugrats plays her best friend. There's lots of authentic 80's fashion and music, lots of valley girl speak, and lots of scenes at the mall, because no duh, it's a teen movie. Love a Shakespearian remake!

Mustache Twins

Little known fact: before he worked for Pawnee city government, Ron Swanson appeared in episode 4 of season 2 of No Reservations. 

#Ronppelganger

I'd know that 'stache anywhere. 

Things I learned from Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

There be spoilers ahead.  

1) Vampires have excellent taste in real estate.  

All I can see is a modern tree house and I LOVE IT.

2) Werewolves are hotter than vampires, both literally and figuratively.  This is just my own personal preference here, but I thought the actors playing the vampires were so blandly attractive.  And in some cases not even remotely attractive.  #BadContactsAndWigs.

 

Hey, girl, we heard you like werewolves.

Oh Mike Dexter, what have they done to you?

3) That being said, Vampirism gives you killer eye make-up.

4) Vampires can be pro-life which is weird considering they're ya know, DEAD.

5) Edward is basically Dexter.  In an attempt to be honest with his soon to be bride, Edward tells Bella that at one point he was a very snarly teen aged vampire, and rebelled against his "vegitarian father," Carlyle and FED ON HUMANS!  (LIKE THE AWFUL, HUMAN FEEDING VAMPIRE HE IS.)  But he only fed on men that were going to do bad things to women, so it's cool, but not cool.  This causes Bella to swoon and she crosses her fingers that she will one day be the good vampire that Edward is.  (Barf, Bella.  Could you be any more of a feminist nightmare?  Oh, wait...) 

6) Bella was wearing pajama jeans during above scene.  I swear I saw an elastic waistband on her jeans.  (Note: This was pre-demon baby gestation.  Otherwise I would've bought her some pajama jeans to bring to her baby demon shower, cause she totes needed them.)  She also wore sneakers without socks, so you know her feet were smelly.  She WOULD.

Your jeans may say sassy, but that waistband screams slob.

7) Bella's mom may or may not have been drunk at her wedding.  When Bella's dad notices the Cullen's wall covered in their graduation caps, Bella's mother gets way too excited about the arts and crafts project. "Oh, neat-o!  CRAFTS!  BELLA, WHERE ARE YOUUUUU?!  Oh, right in front of my face!"  That is a verbatim quote.  (No it isn't.  But almost.)

8) When CGI werewolves mind-meld, hilarious beta (teen)wolf angst ensues.  They also fall in love with babies, in a romantic way.  No pedo, Jacob!

Like I said, hilarious.

9) Vampire on human sex is surprisingly boring outside of True Blood, and Edward is more chaste than a nun, despite breaking headboards and shit.  Talk about anti-climactic.  If you think about it, Twilight is pretty soapy, (Jacob is in love with his ex-girlfriend's baby!  Bella is on her deathbed--will Edward save her?  Yes, BY EATING THE BABY OUT OF HER) so you'd think the sex would be just as soapy and over the top.  But nope!  Prude city. 

10) Vampires use yahoo to find out about vampire-human babies.  Can we not even get a BING! search in here?  I think that if you've lived that long, you would know about vampire-human babies, or at least have some old, smelly, microfiche or books or woodcuts about it just lying around in your amazing modern tree house.  Whatevs, not everyone is a book lover like me, but I'm pretty sure Amazon would have some Vampire-Human Demon Spawn for Dummies on Kindle. 

Vampire teeth are extremely sharp, all the better to perform cesareans of DOOM.

11)  Apparently vampires will keep an almost endless supply of human blood on hand, but no other kind of blood.  Isn't that kinda weird for vampires who only drink animal blood and who might find themselves in a situation where they are trapped inside their beautiful house because their "son's" annoying wife is gestating a demon spawn that looks to be the size of an elephant and there are CGI werewolves outside threatening to eat them and they can't go hunt for animal blood?  No?  Okay then.  

12) Vampires are sticklers for spelling and grammar, as evidenced by my favorite scene in the movie that occurred after the main end credits.  I'd really like to know their opinions on the new additions to the OED and how they feel about the constantly changing nature of language.  Wait, that's Part Two, isn't it?  Just a whole movie about grammar and syntax and WORD NERDS?!  It's like college all over again!  Guys, lets make wall art using our mortar boards!

13) I probably should've seen the Muppets instead.

No duh.

Gobble, gobble

Poor Thanksgiving.  Between Halloween and Christmas you don't have a chance.  Everyone forgets about you, probably because you're all about (albeit delicious) food and not enough about drinking, dressing like a sexy slut, and presents.  Turkey?  Parades?  Football?  Relaxing with friends and family? Meh.  But I don't want to forget about you, Thanksgiving, because I love you and I love an underdog, and you are the underdog of the holiday season.  So this year I decided to do some Thanksgiving themed crafts in an attempt to keep the spirit alive.  And they all feature my favorite material--felt!  

A lovely autumnal wreath

Some felt leaf garland

Felt turkey, meet LEGO turkey, felt Ron Swanson, and FRS's pretty, dark haired girlfriend, Snow White

Little acorn guy

Just do you, Thanksgiving, and don't worry about the rest.  You're lovely just the way you are.