Owl Be Plum-Tickled if You'd Bee Mine

Valentine's Day. According to Wiki, Valentine's Day is a holiday celebrating love and affection between intimate companions that dates back to the days of Chaucer and has since evolved into the commercialized, cliched holiday that we all know and love/loathe. The popular thought seems to be that if you're single, you should just crawl under a rock, as you are an unloveable gollum of a human being. But if you're in a relationship, then you should be praised and showered with rose petals and fed ambrosia while the gollums are jealous of you and your amazingness. It's totally stupid and it seems like the holiday only exists to make you want to puke.

There's a lot to dislike about Valentine's Day. As Brian Moylan said over on Gawker.com: "To get all English major-y for a second, it is a despicable propagation of the hetero-normative monogamy fallacy that plagues the world, telling everyone that they have a 'soul mate' and one special person to complete them and anyone who isn't in such a relationship is a worthless piece of shit who doesn't deserve to be loved and probably dresses bad and needs more time in the gym." AMEN. I keep hearing a commercial on the radio for an "adult store" where the woman asks the man how they are going to celebrate. The man, in stereotypical fashion, is totally confused! Celebrate? HUH? Lucky for him the woman is also a stereotype and in a threatening tone responds with, "I KNOW you didn't forget about Valentine's Day! CANDLELIGHT DINNER! FULL BODY MASSAGES! INTIMATE GIFTS!?" Way to take the fun out of those gifts, female stereotype! Because obviously only shrill and uptight women like those things. (Can we stop with the idea that Valentine's Day is the only day people want to, and actually have sex? I get it's a holiday "for lovers," but ENOUGH.) And speaking of the gifts...oh God, the awful, useless gifts that people use to show how much they care! Pajamagrams. Jewelry from a chain jewelry store. Bath sets. You get the idea. I had on the news on the other day and I'm pretty sure I heard them say that after Christmas, Valentine's Day comes in second for money spent on gifts. (This is crazy you guys! The Beatles were wrong: apparently you can buy me love!) Want to show me you love me on Valentine's Day? Don't get me some crap I could buy myself or won't use, like some fug diamond necklace or some lotion and body wash in a nauseating scent. Or some pajamas in the wrong size and style. I'm totally fine with some nice flowers. Or something handmade. Even if it's pancakes and bacon for breakfast. (I LOVE pancakes and bacon! Maybe pancakes and bacon will be my Valentine!) Or the Fraggle Rock Complete Series on DVD. Or nothing more than a simple "I love you." Whatever! Just don't buy me a gift that screams, "I feel totally obligated to buy you something for this made up holiday." Real (Hallmark) talk guys: Love is an amazing thing, and if you are lucky enough to have found love, you should nurture and cherish it. But the great thing is that love comes in various forms, and one form of love isn't greater than the other. So here's my thought: instead of crawling under a rock or acting like you're in a rom-com, why not simply ignore Valentine's Day or just embrace the cheesiness. Me? I embrace the cheese.

As a kid, I liked Valentine's Day. The young crafter in me liked cutting out construction paper hearts and covering them in glitter and paper doilies. I also liked making a Valentine's Box and buying/getting My Little Pony or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle themed Valentines. You know; fun kid stuff. My family would give each other little gifts--one year I received The Baby-Sitters Club #9: The Ghost at Dawn's House. That was a good Valentine, family! As a teenager, I longed for a romantic Valentine and made myself totally miserable looking for validation through having a boyfriend. The closest I came to having a romantic Valentine was in high school when we drew names and my crush drew me and got me some candy. (Aww.) As an adult, I like going out and getting drunk with my friends and eating conversation hearts and Reese's peanut butter hearts. You know; fun adult stuff. Seriously, I've got some great memories from nights that just happened to be on Valentine's. On these nights I went out with my friends had fun, simply enjoying the moment and spending time with people I loved and cared about. And yeah, I still do the occasional Valentine's craft and I like buying cards and candy for everyone. I like vintage valentines, especially really cheesey ones that say something like, "I'd be plum-tickled if you'd be my valentine!" along with a picture of two anthropomorphic plums. Or one with an owl that says, "Owl always love you!" And of course the old stand-by "Bee Mine!" with a picture of a bumble-bee buzzing around. Puns and play on words are totally acceptable on Valentine's Day, and I love that. It just goes to show how silly the whole affair really is.

Listen, can we all just agree that Valentine's Day has no bearing on who you are whatsoever? It's not worth it to feel inadequate or to use up energy hating it (which is just as cliched as Valentine's Day itself), and it's also not worth it to get so wrapped up in it. If your single, be single! Love thyself! If you're in a relationship, be in a relationship! Love one another! It's like Liz Lemon said on episode 13 season 4 of 30 Rock while hallucinating after a root canal: "I know that I don't need anyone, but I do want to be loved. We all do. And if it didn't work out between us, it's just because I'm not finished becoming me yet. But I will find love someday!" And at the end of the day, it's just another day. Why not work against the hetero-normative and gender stereotypes that Valentine's Day reinforces? I'll admit that might be a little naive and futile, but as long as we continue to spend millions of dollars on V-day gifts, I'd assume it's not going anywhere. So it's worth a shot, right? In the meantime...Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day, everyone!