Things I learned from Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

There be spoilers ahead.  

1) Vampires have excellent taste in real estate.  

All I can see is a modern tree house and I LOVE IT.

2) Werewolves are hotter than vampires, both literally and figuratively.  This is just my own personal preference here, but I thought the actors playing the vampires were so blandly attractive.  And in some cases not even remotely attractive.  #BadContactsAndWigs.

 

Hey, girl, we heard you like werewolves.

Oh Mike Dexter, what have they done to you?

3) That being said, Vampirism gives you killer eye make-up.

4) Vampires can be pro-life which is weird considering they're ya know, DEAD.

5) Edward is basically Dexter.  In an attempt to be honest with his soon to be bride, Edward tells Bella that at one point he was a very snarly teen aged vampire, and rebelled against his "vegitarian father," Carlyle and FED ON HUMANS!  (LIKE THE AWFUL, HUMAN FEEDING VAMPIRE HE IS.)  But he only fed on men that were going to do bad things to women, so it's cool, but not cool.  This causes Bella to swoon and she crosses her fingers that she will one day be the good vampire that Edward is.  (Barf, Bella.  Could you be any more of a feminist nightmare?  Oh, wait...) 

6) Bella was wearing pajama jeans during above scene.  I swear I saw an elastic waistband on her jeans.  (Note: This was pre-demon baby gestation.  Otherwise I would've bought her some pajama jeans to bring to her baby demon shower, cause she totes needed them.)  She also wore sneakers without socks, so you know her feet were smelly.  She WOULD.

Your jeans may say sassy, but that waistband screams slob.

7) Bella's mom may or may not have been drunk at her wedding.  When Bella's dad notices the Cullen's wall covered in their graduation caps, Bella's mother gets way too excited about the arts and crafts project. "Oh, neat-o!  CRAFTS!  BELLA, WHERE ARE YOUUUUU?!  Oh, right in front of my face!"  That is a verbatim quote.  (No it isn't.  But almost.)

8) When CGI werewolves mind-meld, hilarious beta (teen)wolf angst ensues.  They also fall in love with babies, in a romantic way.  No pedo, Jacob!

Like I said, hilarious.

9) Vampire on human sex is surprisingly boring outside of True Blood, and Edward is more chaste than a nun, despite breaking headboards and shit.  Talk about anti-climactic.  If you think about it, Twilight is pretty soapy, (Jacob is in love with his ex-girlfriend's baby!  Bella is on her deathbed--will Edward save her?  Yes, BY EATING THE BABY OUT OF HER) so you'd think the sex would be just as soapy and over the top.  But nope!  Prude city. 

10) Vampires use yahoo to find out about vampire-human babies.  Can we not even get a BING! search in here?  I think that if you've lived that long, you would know about vampire-human babies, or at least have some old, smelly, microfiche or books or woodcuts about it just lying around in your amazing modern tree house.  Whatevs, not everyone is a book lover like me, but I'm pretty sure Amazon would have some Vampire-Human Demon Spawn for Dummies on Kindle. 

Vampire teeth are extremely sharp, all the better to perform cesareans of DOOM.

11)  Apparently vampires will keep an almost endless supply of human blood on hand, but no other kind of blood.  Isn't that kinda weird for vampires who only drink animal blood and who might find themselves in a situation where they are trapped inside their beautiful house because their "son's" annoying wife is gestating a demon spawn that looks to be the size of an elephant and there are CGI werewolves outside threatening to eat them and they can't go hunt for animal blood?  No?  Okay then.  

12) Vampires are sticklers for spelling and grammar, as evidenced by my favorite scene in the movie that occurred after the main end credits.  I'd really like to know their opinions on the new additions to the OED and how they feel about the constantly changing nature of language.  Wait, that's Part Two, isn't it?  Just a whole movie about grammar and syntax and WORD NERDS?!  It's like college all over again!  Guys, lets make wall art using our mortar boards!

13) I probably should've seen the Muppets instead.

No duh.