Mustachioed Kisses

So thanks to Wally's comments about Ron Swanson flavored mustachioed kisses, I've been pondering celebrity mustaches all day. I have to admit that as much as Ron Swanson is the epitome of masculinity, the thought of the mustachioed kisses of Swanson terrify me. That and the word mustachioed makes me think of pistachios, which I like, but when I think about pistachios in a mustache, I get grossed out.

For no apparent reason whatsoever, my brain, since a very early age, has been wired see a mustache and run. I automatically think Mustache=Chester.

A fun story, I worked for a few years at a place where the comptroller, who I saw frequently, had a big, thick graying mustache. He also carried a giant, janitor-sized ring of keys attached to his belt, making every step jingle. The office where I worked was down a long, tiled, damp, poorly-lit hallway and as he would make his way to the office, I could hear his footsteps, and the jingle of his keys echo down the hall. It was truly more terrifying than any horror movie. And when he emerged with his bushy, graying mustache, I would have to suppress the urge to grab the fire extinguisher from the wall and use it as a weapon.

To be fair, the man was as nice as could be; but, mustaches have always freaked me out, even on people I know and love. (I'm thinking of an ex-boyfriend and his 70s porn-star 'stache phase that everyone thought was so awesome. *shudders* Not everyone, in fact very few people, can pull off a mustache. For example, Brad Pitt, commonly thought to be the sexiest man alive, rapidly becomes not so sexy:



Or Orlando Bloom, who attempts to pull off a Pitt-style copy cat, even down the the scarf:


Clearly, these are very unsuccessful 'staches. Or maybe it's the scarves.

On the other hand, my favorite celebrity mustaches:

Tom Selleck as Magnum, P.I.(if a scarf is necessary to a successful mustache, Selleck's chest hair could easily assume scarf duty):


Seriously, who can resist the dark, thick waves of hair (on the head or the chest!) combined with those gorgeous eyes? Not me.

Nick Offerman as Ron Swanson:


I think the picture says it all.

Jim Henson and Frank Oz as The Swedish Chef:


The bow-tie is a clever switch on the scarf.

And...

...

...

(don't judge) ...

Alex Trebek (circa 1990)!


Why the internet had a picture of a shirtless Trebek, I do not know. But note how his mustache just takes center stage in that picture instead of trying to compliment Trebek's trademark Jeopardy! suits.

I love that this exists

Saw this at the library Friday...
I mean really, what's not to love? It's by R.L. Stine (because of course it is), the title is Calling All Creeps!, and as the cover depicts, it's about a kid that gets prank called by raptors.

Apparently it was creep day, because I also found this shoved in the back of another book:

In case you can't read that, these are the lyrics to "Zombie Dance Party." And the lyrics are:

Hear that sound, it's getting close,
A thousand shuffling feet?
The walking dead have come to town
For a Zombie Dance Party!

All we need are brains, sweet brains
And we're coming after yours.
You can try to run, that's half the fun
Of the Zombie Dance Party!

We're not very fast, or very smart
Be [Typo?] we've got a big head start.

So look out world, it's time to eat,
You call 'em "brains"--we call it "meat"!

It's a Zombie Dance Party!
A Zombie Dance Party!

It's a little "Thriller" mixed with The Cramps "Zombie Dance," but for kids! Never has the threat of death by zombie sounded so fun and festive. What's really funny about this is that I just watched my new favorite movie, Zombieland, on Tuesday. The only thing that would've made that movie better was if this song was included.

(By the way: does anyone else wonder why he didn't do sorta a pen name and go by "R.L. Stein?" Like Frankenstein? But how random is it that his name IS Stine, and he is "The Stephen King of children's literature?" Hmm...)